This is sort of a public journal entry, but I do feel the need to declare it to the world. I split with my now ex-wife a few years ago. We had two young boys 1 and 3 at the time. I had plenty of good reasons to leave and like any marriage there are always plenty to stay. But ultimately I felt like I had lost myself in my marriage and even if I could endure, my boys would never get to know their real father. That would have truly been a tragedy, so I left.
The first year split went pretty much to plan. I crashed and burned and repaired and spent lots of time by myself doing nothing. I made a commitment to myself not to date for a year and stuck to it. By the time the year was out I was DYING to date. In fact, just the mere idea of being near a woman that liked me gave me this weird emotional rush.
The second year I started dating and I fell for a few women hard and fast. For privacy sake I won’t share many details but I fell in love with pieces of my perfect woman. I fell in love with a VERY feminine/sexual woman. In fact that’s all I really fell for. Not much else to connect with and it was clear it wasn’t going anywhere.
The next woman I met I fell for the LOOK that is so deeply burned in my 3rd grade psyche. lol I’m not going to explain it in detail, but think 1993 Playboy Magazine. For me a woman that looked like that, that wanted me, was pure cocaine. (not that I know what that feels like) lol There was potential with that one but we had insecurities that ate us up.
After those first couple head over heal connections I decided. “Ya know what, I just need a good woman and the rest isn’t as important” and I proceeded to date women that didn’t really get me going right out of the gate, but I KNEW they were good women. Sadly this type is the kind that hurts the worst. I have met a few women that were so genuinely loving caring healthy and independent and I was unable to fall in love. It was very hard walking away from those. I could not stand hurting good women. And at this point I felt like a shallow asshole.
I get some of the best advice from people that see the world entirely different, and my buddy Albert is exactly that guy. We were talking about why I can’t find a woman and he asked what I was looking for. I was at the point where I didn’t really even know. I was just open to finding out. He thought that was a dumb idea and he asked me how I knew what house to buy when I bought my last house. I told him I had a handful of things I had to have. Right location, rooms for boys, some wow factor, big garage, toy parking, decent backyard, etc. Anyway I knew what I had to have for some things. Then the rest would be by feel. How does the home make me feel? I didn’t know exactly what the home would look like, how it would be designed, when it was built, etc. That was albert’s point exactly, know your must haves and the rest should be a way it makes you feel. The universe will sort of take care of the rest.
How does that affect searching for love? For one you can’t choose one thing you “need” and hope that it makes the other things you do irrelevant. You still have your non-negotiables. The other things need to be thought of by feel not by detail. I think the details of what I was looking for is what messed things up. It’s a lot like life. I want to feel a lot of joy, feel accomplished, create great things, etc. I don’t need to “own this exact business, live in this exact house, make this amount of money, have this type of family” it’s too specific. The universe can bring you what you want but it probably won’t look like what you thought it would. Your here to learn things and often times the universe knows how it will get you there, you don’t.
After much deliberation on the subject of knowing when I’ve found my woman, this is what I’ve come up with:
I need her to be 100% trustworthy, and know that it’s the one thing we can’t easily repair.
I need to feel supported to be me, not to loose myself, and to live my different style life.
I need my boys to be loved unconditionally like their own.
I need a kind hearted woman that makes me feel loved for who I am currently.
I need to feel enjoyed and funny and appreciated.
I need a face I can look at forever.
I need a delicious body, which needs no details. Cause I’ll just know if it is. lol
I need her to be mainly responsible, predictable, hard working, but have a touch of wild.
I need her to be independent of me and not need me to support her.
I need her to help me maintain a social life with people around. I’m not too good at this.
For me at this point knowing what I need is crucial. I don’t want to get too far into anything knowing something crucial is missing. But I also like knowing what I need doesn’t have all the specific details, and it leaves the magic in the hands of the universe. WHICH is the all powerful force that has made everything great in my life. Funny to because how I got here, I would not have chosen. But it turned out better than I could ever have even designed.