Flashback to June 2019 around my birthday. My phone was ringing buzzing beeping and literally NONE of it was something I wanted to address. Messages, calls, “important” things that couldn’t wait all hitting my phone at once. A barrage of broken boundary bullshit. On top of this I was moving into a new home working with two new assistants and I was back to that good ol feeling of I HATE MY PHONE! This wasn’t from a lack of clarity about how I wanted my phone to be or mentions about not hitting me up after work hours. It was more a lack of crystal clear boundaries enforced. More on how I arrived to that later. I thought about crushing my phone with a hammer many times per day, or throwing my phone into a lake. I had gotten so close but just couldn’t do it WHILE maintaining a feeling of responsibility to my kids, friends and family.

So I made a plan and carried it out. Here was the plan:

Prepare people that I was going to get rid of my phone and do it. Leave it at home forever.

I told everyone I talked with regularly and most people were supportive, but most people wanted to know why. I couldn’t even explain why more than “It’s driving me crazy and I need to fix it.” This was a common theme in my life. Absorb the pain until it gets so bad I have to take drastic measures to fix it. After about a week of prep it was done. I woke up one Monday morning and left my phone at home.

People had one way to get a hold of me, call or text my google voice number. Anyone who knew me knows they damn well couldn’t call so it was pretty much “hey text my non-private line and I’ll get back to you when I can.” For me the benefits were instant and awesome.

IT WAS A HUGE relief! Like a 100% co-dependent dream come true. I could tell every annoying fucker that I didn’t have a phone. Everyone that wouldn’t respect boundaries, times, or ME, I could say “sorry no other options.” Ahhhh instant payoff.

I remember a few people Freaking out. Verbatim “HOW WILL I GET A HOLD OF YOU IN AN EMERGENCY!?” And I was like, I guess you won’t. I would say if it’s bleeding or burning I can’t help you much anyway, call 911. I think it triggered something in some people that really made them uncomfortable. But that was ok by me, my stress was dropping.

Let me talk more on the plusses of not having a phone in my pocket:

Google Voice For Biz - before leaving my phone I became this weird 3rd party that kept messing up plans and schedules. Someone would email and work with my assistants then call me and come up with a different plan. Because I didn’t keep everyone posted on plans I would get on different pages than my assistants. Next thing you know we’re in a mess. By piping all business communication through google voice, now me and my assistants were always on the exact same page. It was SO SO helpful. I think anyone anyone who can, SHOULD do this. It’s as simple as saying “I don’t do business on my phone, here’s my work line.”
Distraction Habit - In the first couple weeks after ditching the iPhone I noticed I had a constant tick to reach for my pocket. Be it a boring waiting room, a break in conversation, boredom, you name it, if something didn’t feel right I could fix it by using my phone. That was a real problem. I started to work on those things. I could carry a conversation better, I was more present with people, I would think of things to do when bored, etc. It made me develop a lot of new social productive skills without my “awkward fix.”
Hackie Sack - Instead of an iPhone I threw a hackie sack in my pocket and started asking more people to play, wherever I was. It was catching on where I work already, and it just became a bigger deal. I love being social and doing things with people. In fact DOING things while attempting to be socially comfortable is priceless. If being social is tricky for you, just try and do your socializing while doing something. It makes it twice as easy.

Alright, I’ve gotta mention the minusses. Here they are:

SO Annoying At Times - Sometimes having a phone makes SO MUCH sense. Getting around a city, Uber, travel, meeting up with people, etc. Lots of times a phone just makes sense, and not having one was painful. I ended up having to ask people to use a phone or help me find something. It was weird to be honest, not bad but weird in the long term. I’ve realized sometimes I SHOULD have a phone. Especially for travel.
Kid Emergencies - So I come from a pretty good anxiety background and worrying about if my kids were hurt and I didn’t know DID bother me. I didn’t like it at all. I questioned who I would be as a father that was gone if my kids had an accident. This still bugs me even as I’m writing this. Kids throw a whole new spin on being totally disconnected. One that I can’t let go of.
Pictures and Vids of Memories - I’m a dad of two beautiful boys. Cute memorable stuff happens daily. Even though I was more present for the ACTUAL memory, I still found myself wanting to capture some for the future. It’s nice to look back and reflect on pictures and vids at times. This is one of the biggest reasons going phoneless sucked for me. It still bothers me, and I can’t find a decent way around it. Side note: I looked into compact cameras that would have done the job but they’re a bit bulky. Turns out when the entire planet uses a certain technology (smart phones) companies develop those more. You can’t get the photo, video, and size technology in another device. Why would a company develop such a camera, there’s not a big enough market, they’d be competing with cell phones.
Missing My People - By dropping the phone I dropped the annoying people and issues from my life, but in turn I dropped the people I love and care about too. It was actually very lonely. Not being able to just shoot a caring text felt awful. I missed having those people in my life. And the Google voice wasn’t private and texting them through it just didn’t feel the same. It forced me to find another option…..

The Other Option

I needed privacy, I needed friends, I needed to communicate with people I cared about, so what to do? I decided, “hey I’ll just use Imessage!” Basically you can use text on your ipad or computer just like a phone. It’s through Apple’s Imessage. I started telling people to text my email and it would be private. First for my boys, then family, then close friends. It was SO NICE having that piece back.

The ability to text people I care about, about non-work stuff.

Oh I missed it, and it was so nice to enjoy again! I had a private social life. I had my tribe. It felt so good. Ahhh.

What I noticed about people and relationships

What I started to notice about the people in my life is the “problem people” already knew it. They were like “oh shit I’m sorry” without even talking about what exactly they were sorry about. It was so weird. They knew they were pushing boundaries on the phone. Texting and calling on all topics at all times for any reason. THEY KNEW! I even remember asking nicely at times to only hit me up with work stuff in work hours. But hey, It wasn’t about me it was about what was important in their life and maybe work was that for them.

Also, I noticed people who respected me and my boundaries have been a TOTAL non-issue through this whole process. They just hear my plan and go with it. No judgement (that I know of lol) no issues, they just roll. They interact, respond, and are TOTALLY fine. They’re healthy and don’t read into it. They also respect other people’s boundaries and interact how it fits. It was amazing to watch cool people in my life just adapt. To me it showed they care, and they’re healthy communicators.

AH-HAH Moments!

I had LOTS of these in the last few months, here are some that stick out that you should know:

1. Knowing Your Format - WOW, so tons of people have never thought about proper format for communicating. Here’s my understanding of them, and I think most of this is common sense. Common sense isn’t that common btw.

TEXT - 1 or 2 sentences, back and forth, not crazy urgent, reply not expected instantly.

PHONE CALL - More that a couple sentences or ideas. Need to sort things in a back and forth discussion. Too much to cover and too much that could change on the fly. Hop on the phone. Also much more personal and easy to interpret than a text.

EMAIL - Ongoing communication with subjects. Weird that emails have a “Subject” line huh? Also, short format, we’re talking a paragraph OR TWO, MAX. Got a ton of stuff? Create a document or attachment. Long emails are rare for rare circumstances. Keep em short!

IN PERSON MEETING - Too much for all of the above. Meet the person, or video call. Settle in and enjoy. Take the time and figure the stuff out.

2. General Communication Times - Also I guess not common sense. Feels like pretty much 8am to 9pm as a GENERAL rule. Also knowing who you’re reaching out to helps. Maybe they’re an early riser, or early to bed type. You can adjust. But assuming everyone is on your schedule is a mistake. So many texts too late and texts to early. This is the main reason when I had a phone it was always on Do Not Disturb. People don’t know this stuff.

3. Knowing How To Wait - So many people can’t do this! It shocks me. Some people need replies within the hour or it means something. Or hours, or the day, whatever. Reading into response times is a good way to drive yourself crazy. People are busy, some people reply when they’re ready. It probably doesn’t mean anything, get over yourself.

Work Vs social life

I came to miss communicating with my friends and family and I fell in love with work stuff not being able to get a hold of me. What’s scary is some people I care about I didn’t really care if they mentioned some business thing, it’s like we had the same level of “what matters” and it just fits. Whereas some people have a different measurement of important and flooded me with shit. I don’t know how to sort this one out. I’ve told a couple of people “hey you’re good, text me about whatever you want, you’re in a different group of people that just fit.”

my need to feel special

I just wouldn’t be a proper “Shane” blog if I wasn’t totally vulnerable and open. So here goes… I have to admit there’s a part of me that wants to be known as the guy with no phone. I believe in being different for different results. There’s a healthy part that liked not having a phone but an unhealthy part that wanted a phone at times but couldn’t let go of my “no phone guy” label. I guess I want to be special, even as a 36 year old, judge away. It’s weird I know.

co-DEPENDENT garbage

So I’m a recovering co-dependent. Basically I have a tendency to worry about how others feel and try and guide and control their feelings. Which btw is impossible in the long run without going crazy. With that said, my phone issue was a small part of a bigger issue:

Still learning how to set, assert, and follow-through on boundaries with all people in my life.

I could do the first two steps: set and assert, but I couldn’t follow through. I remember the “boundary violators” and being like “Shane you need to tell them your boundaries.” and I would. I would say it clearly once or twice. But because of their history with me as someone who just deals with shit. They either didn’t hear me, or didn’t take me seriously. Either way it took me removing the option to contact me, for them to get it. Also, I will say I’ve lost a few friends in the last year that just couldn’t respect my boundaries. It makes me sad, but I feel better about myself. AND I have people that respect my boundaries in my life now. It’s worked out good.

What now? Get a phone?

I want a phone, and I want to keep my new rules with it. I want to film my kids and capture memories. I want to shoot 4k film stuff easily for creative projects. (Almost bought a ridiculous compact camera)I want to have a private social life. I want to send funny shit to people when I think of it. There’s many awesome things about a phone! I miss them.

UPDATE 10/26/2019: GOT A PHONE. NO WORK ON IT. NO SOCIAL MEDIA. DND ALWAYS. LOVING IT!

Here’s the quick take-aways on going “no phone”:

If you care about pictures, vids, uber, computing power, compact design, you just can’t find it in current other tech, BESIDES phones. They are WAY to developed. I just couldn’t find decent replacements for what I needed.
Going no phone forever would be hard, and inconvenient. If I didn’t have kids I’d just leave a phone on my night stand and in my truck.
Don’t travel without a phone, it’s ridiculous. Unless you’re unplugging outdoors.
If you decide to use an Ipad as your phone, expect it to look like this after a while. lol

5. There are so many steps between phone zombie and no phone guy. Start with permanent “do not disturb”, then move to leaving your phone at home or in car. It’s such a spectrum, just explore it.

6. Get rid of social media on your phone, BAM, so much more mental bandwith.

7. Phone free fasting can dramatically improve social skills, creativity, memory, sanity. Take a month, I dare you.

8. Pipe your business stuff through a google voice, ESPECIALLY if you have an assistant or others in on your calendar.

9. If you want to meet people DON’T take a phone with you. It might just force you to open your damn mouth and say something.

10. I found that doing extreme experiments like this one helps me see the full picture on a subject, and figure out my long term solutions. Try some experiments in your life on things you just can’t figure out. Might work.

What does Apple need to know to sell 100 million more phones?

Here’s my advice to Apple to make a phone that will give true disconnection freedom.

The ability to regulate, curate and make rules for groups of people. EASILY. There should be separate text apps for different parts of your life. Family, Friends, Work. Easily on/off calls and texts.
Or possibly non-phone number based phones. Might create a “ I don’t have a phone” movement. Just make an iphone that doesn’t use a phone number. Then have people get google voices, and other connection apps. Then people can still say “I don’t have a phone”
Make blocking effortlessly. Texts, calls, numbers, etc. Also, make the ability to set rules on your phone that get sent back to people that voilate them. Sort of like your personal Terms Of Communication. Could be cool!

Random thoughts. Hope you got one gem out of this.