I have to be honest, insecurity has been my driving force behind almost all of my accomplishments. From a young age, for whatever reason, I've always felt like I wasn't enough. Like I wasn't smart enough, strong enough, tough enough. I've used that deeply insecure feeling to get up earlier, work harder, stretch more, push myself harder, and overall just get things done. If you could have heard the conversation in my head for most of the last 10 years it sounded like this:
"Don't be a pussy!"
"This will prove you're smart enough"
"This will make you feel like enough"
"If you can just get to ______, it will be enough"
"Wake up fucker, it's time to prove yourself"
"No crying, it's time to fight"
"Why are you scared!? Just do it"
Overall, very very toxic, but very very poweful words. Not in a good way either. I've recently realized it was very much a
NUCLEAR WAY OF FUELING MYSELF.
A couple of years ago I started realize how many people didn't have to fuel themselves this way, and were still capable of achieving great things. I joined groups where negative self talk was called out. My therapist began digging into my self talk and challenging it. I began working with other, what I would call
CLEANER WAYS OF FUELING MYSELF.
And much like how wind, solar, tidal, and thermal energies exist and work, positivity seemed to work the same way. They didn't offer the same sort of "umph" the negative self talk did, but they work. Here's the thing, negative self talk "worked" and it got me very far, but I could tell if I stuck with this fuel I would:
1. Be dependent on it forever
2. Leave a long lasting pile of "toxic waste" that I would eventually have to deal with
3. I wouldn't be proud of what I'd done, as it would be tainted by dirty "means"
So what to do? Much like we are finding our way away from Nuclear energy and Fossil Fuels, I'd have to slowly ween off. Could I stop talking shitty to myself overnight? Well yeah I suppose, but it's become a HUGE HABIT. HABITS happen without thinking about it, which is why a habit is so powerful. This is why habits are hard to break. You just begin catching the habit and calling it out. "Don't be a pussy!" .. WAIT stop. "You're not a pussy, this is scary, you CAN push through it, and it's worth it. You're strong, you have skills, this is a positive experience."
This whole catching, calling out, re-framing, re-stating, is the pattern I've been in for a couple of years. It's WORKING! Honestly it is. Do I still push myself with negative self talk at times? Yes. Is it a lot less? Yes. Do I feel better about my accomplishments!? Hell yes! It's the difference of accomplishing things by choice, instead of mental slavery.
If your negative self-talk was a separate person, and this person showed up every day to get you to do something positive, even if you didn't want to necessarily do it? Let's say like, go to the gym. Yeah it sucks at times. You can't make time, you don't want to push yourself, you're tired, you'd rather sleep, but this person shows up and is like
"WAKE UP FUCKER" "WHY ARE YOU SUCH A PUSSY?" "LOOK AT YOURSELF, YOU'RE SOFT LOOKING" "YOU'RE PATHETIC" ETC
and you go to the gym. It feels good, you're glad you went. You do feel better. In a way you're glad the asshole pushed you like he did. BUT you don't necessarily like the guy, and you don't necessarily want to go through that punishment again. Now what if this asshole was you!? The relationship with yourself is damaged, and negative. This is exactly what happened inside of myself. I grew to not like myself. I grew to feel like an accomplished victim, and it was not worth it.
I think you get the point I'm trying to make. If you're already on a sustainable, positive, self-affirming fuel, just thank the universe. You're world is better, you have less waste to deal with, and you can do every bit as much as the next guy. Only you'll do it maintaining a love for yourself and what you do.
If by chance you do fuel yourself NUCLEAR STYLE. Don't beat yourself up for how you got here. Just begin to change now. Begin to catch your negative thoughts, re-frame, re-state, and begin again. You can break your dependence on this fuel. There is hope. There are alternatives that work, I've used them.